You would have to be living under a rock to miss all of the bickering going on these days…especially on social media.  Everyone has an opinion about everything.  Now don’t get me wrong…having opinions is not a bad thing.  However, how we express those opinions or how we treat each other when expressing them is another thing.

With all of the divisiveness…it can be easy to get sucked into arguments and misunderstandings.  One of those misunderstandings comes about when discussing opinions and beliefs related to the LGBTQ community.  A question that I’ve been asked a lot recently is this…

“Lesa how can I let the LGBTQ community know that I love them, but also let them know that I hold to my beliefs about what the Bible says about homosexuality?  It seems that they think I hate them because I don’t agree with their “lifestyle.”

When I press in to that question and ask if the person they are communicating with has actually expressed that they feel like the person hates them, the answer is usually no.  They tell me that the person hasn’t said those actual words, but they tell me that the discussion usually makes the person upset.

I have to tell you…I hear this A LOT.  People I know in the Christian community think that because they have a certain belief that the LGBTQ community thinks they hate them.  Now don’t get me wrong.  The community does get hate directed at them from some in the Christian community.  Sadly it is really bad especially in some areas of our country.  What I think is more accurate in these conversations is not the LGBTQ person thinking the person is being hateful…I think the LGBTQ person is trying to convey that they are being hurt by the conversation.

Here is something to remember when having these conversations…

By the time someone shares with you that they are LGBTQ, chances are that they have known this about themselves for years.  It is a secret that they have kept…and in more cases than I can count…keeping that secret nearly kills them…literally.  Even though no one knows their secret, chances are great that they have experienced a great deal of shame.  Where does this shame come from?  It could be from their parents.  Possibly overhearing them speak poorly about the LGBTQ community.  It comes from society saying that they are disgusting, that because they can get married they are ruining the family and society in general, etc.  It comes from the church.  Even if it isn’t preached from the pulpit.  Most of the time the message that is communicated to them isn’t that acting on their “gayness” is bad.  The message that they hear is that “they” are bad because they are gay.  It’s the first thing that my son said to us when he came out.  “I’m a bad person.”  He was only 15 years old.  He hadn’t done anything bad.  He hadn’t even acted on his feelings.  But the message he had gotten was that because he had same-sex attraction he was a bad person.

When someone shares their secret with you and you tell them that you love them, but you don’t agree with their “choice” it doesn’t feel like love.  I think part of this is because you are jumping too quickly into making a judgement about what they just told you (not talking about being judgmental here).  I think you need to enter their story more and learn what it means to them to be LGBTQ.

Another piece of this puzzle is this…

Suppose you grew up in the church.  Got baptized as a child who was old enough to make that decision.  Enjoyed serving with your church.  Enjoyed going to church services as you grew into an adult.  Loved Jesus with all of your being.  When you share that you are LGBTQ, you are told that you can’t be LGBTQ and Christian.  People tell you that you can’t be Christian because you are sinning by choice.  You, however, know that you wouldn’t have chosen this in a million years.

The LGBTQ Christians that I know have studied the “clobber” verses extensively (as have I as a parent of a gay child).  They have searched God on the topic.  They have prayed their guts out.  In some cases, had yelling matches with God.  They reach a place where they finally feel accepted by God.  Because of their studies, their theology changes and they no longer think homosexuality is a sin.  They feel loved by God and they finally feel comfortable in their skin.  And then they have these conversations that tell them they are sinning and the people they love can’t accept this part of them.

Take all of the history that they have been through…the shame, the rejection, the bullying in many cases, the struggle with their faith in God, and hold it up to those words that you’ve just said to them.  You’ve just told them that their struggles, their searching, their prayers, their faith….are wrong.  You read the Bible one way…and they read it another.  It’s a difference in theology.  You are telling them that your theology is right and theirs is wrong.  You are telling them that what they have felt from God and the Holy Spirit is wrong.

This isn’t so much about hate…but hurt.  Are you really listening to what they are telling you?

Going back to the original question…

“Lesa how can I let the LGBTQ community know that I love them, but also let them know that I hold to my beliefs about what the Bible says about homosexuality?  It seems that they think I hate them because I don’t agree with their “lifestyle.”

You are projecting your beliefs onto them.  And your message is that your beliefs are the only ones that matter.  It’s not what they need and therefore why they don’t feel loved.

I’m not saying you can’t have your beliefs.  Of course you can.  Just as they can have their beliefs.  Just know that it doesn’t come across as love at times.  Some LGBTQ people can live in that tension.  Others can not.  I have found that it really depends on their history and how bad things were for them as to whether or not they can be in relationship with someone who thinks the fact that they want to be loved is wrong.

Of course this is just scratching the surface.  There is so much more to this…and I know it’s not easy.  And I can only speak from what I’ve seen…I can’t speak for the community.  Which is why it is so important to listen.  And listen for a long time before jumping in to giving your opinion on what you think the Bible says about it.

You may find that by being heard…they feel loved.  And love matters…

My kiddos are 19 months apart.  Man was it hard at first, but it worked out because they are the best of friends and have a lot in common since they are close in age. Towards the end of my pregnancy with McKensie, I would take Kyle to McDonald’s on Fridays for breakfast.  He loved the pancakes and sausage (maybe I did too).  I would get an order and we would share it.  I didn’t mean for it to become a “thing” for us.  The first time I went it happened to be during the time that the retirees were there eating breakfast and drinking coffee, visiting with each other.  They fell in love with Kyle and asked me to please come back.  So I did (smile).  This tradition started when he was 16 months old and they were just amazed at how well he sat and ate his breakfast.  He used his fork and not his fingers.  He said please and thank you.  They called him a little man.  He was a smart cookie, but more than that he just liked to do what I did so he paid attention and did what I did.

A few months after my mom passed away, my aunt and my cousin took my kids out to lunch to spend some time with them and to give me a break.  McKensie was two and a half at the time.  As they were eating lunch, someone pushed back their chair from the table and it made a loud scraping noise on the floor.  McKensie exclaimed, “Oh that startled me!”  My cousin was amazed that she would use such a big word being so young.  She also was a little sponge and soaked up what was done and said around her.  In fact, my kids are not special in this regard.  I think ALL kids do this.

Unfortunately, not all kids learn good things from the adults around them.  I know many parents of kids who are LGBTQ that get nervous this time of year.  Why?  It’s time to go back to school.  There have been some good first days, but even though school has just begun…there have also been some awful days.

A family in Oklahoma is moving for the safety of their 12 year old transgender daughter.  Moving.  The school district had to shut down for two days because of what parents were saying in a Facebook group that were threatening to the 12 year old girl.   ‘Adults had referred to her as “this thing” and a “half baked maggot” threatening to “make him a female” with a “good sharp knife.” ‘  You can read the full article here.  They encouraged their kids to bully the girl so that she would leave the school.

Who do you think was watching these parents?  Listening to these parents?  Their kids.  So is it any wonder that we are finding  kids younger and younger bullying others…to the point where they take their lives?  Nine year old Jamel Myles from Colorado took his life four days after school started.  He had come out as gay to his classmates and the bullying was horrible.  Classmates told him he should kill himself…so he did.  (Instead of being outraged over the bullying, people were debating how a 9 year old could know he was gay.  I’ll address that in another post)  A mother of an eleven year old found her son crying himself to sleep after reading that story.  The previous year he had been urinated on in the boys bathroom by several boys…some of which were his friends…some from his church.  When that happened to him, he contemplated jumping off of an interstate bridge to end his life.  He felt survivors guilt that he was still here.

Is it any wonder why the beginning of the school year would cause stress for parents and their kids?  Kids learn from their parents, but they also can get caught up in bad situations.  They go along with the bullying because they don’t want the bullying to turn towards them.  Talk to your kids about this.  Give them some tools to learn to step away from a bullying situation, or tools to stand up for the kid being bullied.

Unfortunately, bullying doesn’t just come from an individual.  Sometimes it’s from something much bigger than that.  Like the Church.

My friend’s son came out last summer.  This year when he went back to college she was rearranging his bedroom.  When she moved his dresser from beside his bed, she found this written on it.

As you can see, it is written in the handwriting of someone young…not in college so it’s been there for some time.  I can’t speak for my friend…that is her story to share.  But I can say that this breaks my heart.  To think that this precious boy laid his head on his pillow next to what he had written every night for years is beyond what my heart can take.  Where did he learn this?  The Church.  And let’s be clear here.  You don’t have to say the words “God hates you” for this message to get imprinted onto a young person’s (or old for that matter) soul.  The Church can think that they are handling things with “truth and grace,” but that is not the message that is heard.  This happens when the person giving the truth and grace doesn’t really know the person or their story.

I would say that silence is just as deadly.

There are LGBTQ youth sitting in church pews hearing that they are destroying America.  They hear that wanting to be loved will destroy straight marriages and family values.  They are wondering what in the world they are doing to cause this.  They wonder why people think this about them.  I would go as far to say that there are people I know that have suffered emotional and spiritual abuse from the church.  And because it comes from people within the church, these kids see it as what God believes about them.  “God hates me.”  If you are abused by your earthly father, it is hard enough to come to terms with that and heal from it.  How much harder do you think it is when that abuse comes from God (through God’s people)?  We tell people who struggle to go to God for help…that He loves them…that He’s for them…that He never leaves or forsakes them.  He can get them through everything and anything…but then tell the LGBTQ person that the same does not apply to them.

What hope do they have?  You feel abuse by the One that is supposed to save you.

I’ve said it before…I’ll say it again.  We must do better.  Lives are at stake.

This month is National Suicide Month.  If you are LGBTQ and need help, reach out to The Trevor Project.  You can call, chat, or text.

Love matters friends.  How we love matters.  Lives depend on it…