gender

There is a television show that I absolutely love called “What would you do?” Each week they have actors portray different situations where someone is either doing something wrong, putting someone in potential danger, or being a bully in some way. The goal is to see if anyone steps in and says something. Their tagline is “What would you do when you think no one is watching?” It can really point out our prejudices. For instance, if they are doing a scenario with a parent and child they may start with a mother and child to see who responds and then change to a father and child doing the same thing to see if it solicits a different response. They do the same thing with race and the sex of the actors. They will switch things up to see if it makes a difference. It is so refreshing to see people standing up for what is right and good. Every single episode brings me to tears. Watch it…it will restore your hope in humanity.

I like that the show makes you think about what you would do if you were in the same situation. It opens us up to think about what a person may be feeling or experiencing. I feel that we are really lacking that in our society today. People are so quick to judge many times without having any knowledge of the person they are judging (like seeing a post from a stranger on the internet). I’ve seen such disdain towards people that are complete strangers because of assumptions made, or just downright ignorance on a topic.

Something that seems to elicit this type of response lately is the topic of transgender people. It’s no wonder given that the President has signed executive orders that are literally erasing them. That seems to embolden others to act poorly. People seem to think that being transgender is something new when in fact transgender people date back to ancient civilizations. The difference is that we talk about it today. And this is so important. I think about the young adults that I met on this journey who for years knew something was different about themselves, but didn’t know how to explain it. They suffered. They were so relieved when they learned there was a word that explained who they were and what they were feeling.

This post has taken twists and turns. The rhetoric that has been used against transgender people has been so damaging. My head is spinning from the amount of bills being written against them in different states. I was going to go into all of that, but instead I decided I would just ask…

What would YOU do?

If your little boy came to you and told you he was really a girl. Or if your little girl came to you and told you that she was really a boy. Perhaps you would explain to your little boy that he had different body parts than little girls so it proved that he was a boy. What if in his mind the solution was to get rid of that body part? I know a family that went through this. Their son was 4 years old and was caught (just in the nick of time) with a pair of scissors ready to take matters into his own hands not understanding the repercussions of his actions.

What would YOU do?

If your little girl decided that she could no longer be here on this earth because you weren’t listening to her telling you that she was really a boy, and her solution was to jump out of her bedroom window. Again, another family that I know that was there at just the right time to stop her.

What would YOU do?

If your little boy decided to open the car window while driving down a highway at 65 miles per hour to jump out because you didn’t listen to his pleas to be a girl.

What would YOU do?

If your child’s kindergarten teacher called you, informing you that when she asked the class to line up with girls on one side and boys on the other your little girl always lined up with the boys. When the teacher explained that she needed to line up on the girl’s side, she insisted that she was a boy.

Perhaps you would think that this is some sort of phase that your child is going through. You kind of ignore it and hope that it goes away. When they were persistent, perhaps you would take your child to their pediatrician. Maybe therapy would be recommended so you take your child to a counselor. This is what the families that I know have done. I can tell you that decisions are not made lightly as some would like you to believe.

What would YOU do?

If you were an adult and felt like you were in the wrong body. You are finally brave enough to tell your pastor what you are feeling, and you go through dozens of exorcisms because he tells you that a demon is living in your body. Can you imagine what that might do to your psyche??

What would YOU do?

If you were a man that felt like a woman your whole life. In your 40’s, your appendix needs to come out and the surgeon discovers female reproductive organs inside your body.

This last scenario brings us to the topic of intersex people. Hang tight…I’m about to get sciencey on you. (not a word, but it is now) (smile)

Here’s a breakdown of some of the intersex variations (there are over 30):

Chromosomal Variations:

Klinefelter syndrome (47,XXY): Individuals have an extra X chromosome, affecting physical and hormonal development.

Turner syndrome (45,X): Individuals are born with a missing or partially missing X chromosome, impacting growth and reproductive function.

Mixed gonadal dysgenesis: A condition characterized by a unilateral streak gonad, persistent mullerian duct structures and ambiguous genitalia.

Gonadal Variations:

Congenial Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH): A group of inherited conditions affecting hormone production in the adrenal glands, potentially leading to ambiguous genitalia.

Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS): A condition where the body does not respond to androgens, leading to atypical development of external genitalia.

Other Variations:

Hypospadias: A condition where the urethra opens on the underside of the penis.

Clitoromegaly: A condition where the clitoris is larger than what society considers to be typical.

Progestin-Induced Virilization: A condition caused by exposure to exogenous androgens, most commonly progestin, during pregnancy.

5-alpha-reductase Deficiency: A condition where the body cannot convert testosterone to dihydrotestosterone, which is necessary for the development of male genitalia.

Now I am not saying that trans people are intersex. I do, however, know some intersex people that consider themselves to be trans. My reason for sharing is to point out that gender is on a spectrum. It isn’t as black and white as people believe. It used to be that if a baby was born with both a penis and a vagina (intersex), the penis would be measured. The doctor would operate and make the baby the gender that was more dominant (the penis would have to be a specific size to be made male and if it wasn’t then the doctor would remove it, and the baby would be female). They stopped doing this because they found that it didn’t always work out. The person would identify with the gender that was taken away from them. They learned to wait until the person told them their gender because in simple terms our gender is determined by our brains. I could get very sciencey here as well, but I won’t (smile). This is why children can say very early on that they are a different gender. Kids don’t know about body parts. They just know what their brains are telling them.

You may be wondering if transgender people have been here since the beginning of time, why is it such a big deal now. Well…we’ve made it a big deal. If you think back to civilizations before us, there were times when men wore makeup. And if you look at the way men dressed…well Jesus didn’t wear pants…just saying. Through the years and generations, our ideas of gender have gotten more rigid. Unfortunately, as I’ve said before in previous posts, it seems that politicians can’t seem to run campaigns on their own merit. Instead, they need to make something seem threatening and then come up with a solution to rid us of that threat. Transgender people have been put in their crosshairs.

Nothing exposes this problem more than my dear friend’s trans daughter’s experience. My heart absolutely breaks for the amount of hate that this girl has received. She has been bullied online with the most horrendous and vile words being spewed at her. It has gotten so bad that a group that she recently joined has had to hire security to protect her at their events due to the death threats that she receives. Let that sink in. How would you feel if that was your child?

I still have a lot to learn and I will continue to do so. My hope is that I gave you some food for thought. I’m not being dramatic when I say that lives are at stake. So having this bit of information now, if you see something hateful towards this community…

What will YOU do?

(if you would like to hear from actual families that have been on this journey, hop over to my archives page and look for my posts titled “The Voice of a Mom”) (and another note since people tell me I’m listening to fake news…I’ve met the people in this post)

If you have been a follower for some time, you know that I lost my mom suddenly when I was 28 years old (story here). At the time, I only knew of one other person who had lost a parent. It was a lonely experience. A few years later, my great aunt passed away. I remember my cousin reaching out and apologizing to me. I couldn’t understand why she was doing that. She explained that she knew it was hard when I lost my mom, but until she experienced it personally, she had no idea how hard it was for me.

There is something about sharing an experience. You can try to put yourself in someone’s shoes…but until you experience it yourself…you really can’t relate the same way as you can once you’ve lived it. I’m not saying that you can’t be helpful or supportive to someone. I’m not saying you can’t have compassion for them, or that your presence can’t be a comfort if you’ve never experienced the same thing. Not all of us will go through the same life experiences. But if you do go through something and find someone who shares that same experience, it’s like you have your own personal language regarding it.

As nice as it is to have someone who has a shared experience with you, it is quite frustrating to have someone speak into something with authority that they haven’t experienced themselves. I see this all the time in posts on social media. People will either post offensive memes or stories that are riddled with untruths, or they tear people apart in the comment sections. The topic is usually about the LGBTQ+ community…specifically transgender people. Parents are called child abusers, transgender people themselves are threatened with physical harm (or even death), and over and over again I see insults. I’ve talked about this before…the number one thing I see people say regarding transgender people, however, is God doesn’t make mistakes. Usually this statement is made in reference to people taking hormones or having surgery to change their bodies.

The message is “you can’t be transgender” because God doesn’t make mistakes. They then go on to explain about how what the person is feeling isn’t real. They believe that parents are pressuring their children to change genders. As I have said so many times before, when someone pushes back on their comments it is clear that they have no clue about what it means to be transgender. They have very strong opinions based on things that many times aren’t true.

I have worn glasses (and when I got old enough contacts) since I was four years old. My eyesight is bad. Is it wrong of me to wear those glasses to correct my vision? Should I live almost legally blind because God doesn’t make mistakes? If He doesn’t make mistakes, then my vision is what it is and I should live with it. My dad is almost completely deaf. He started losing his hearing when he was 35 years old. It is something that runs in my family. For many years, he did not get it checked and I learned to talk very slowly and loudly. He finally got a hearing aid when I was a teenager. It was as if a whole new world opened up to him. I remember him jumping when my mom stirred her coffee one morning. The clinking of the spoon against the mug startled him because he had never heard it before. Should my dad have refused to get a hearing aid because God doesn’t make mistakes? If He doesn’t make mistakes, then my dad should have just dealt with not being able to hear. Or…should we instead look at these instances and thank God for the doctors who He gifted in these areas to help people like us?

What about all of the things that we change about ourselves? I know not everyone does these things, but enough people do that I think we should take a look at them. I am guilty of the first one.

Many people choose to change their hair color. They may do it for something different (maybe brunettes really want to find out if blondes have more fun – smile). They may, like in my case, want to cover up gray hair. Then there are the hair extensions that are very popular right now. Some people wear them because they have bare spots due to hair thinning. Other people wear them because they simply want longer hair.

How about fake eyelashes? Should those people be satisfied with the lashes that God gave them?

What about the body builders that take steroids to increase their muscle mass? Our bodies can produce muscle when we work at it…shouldn’t the body builders use what God gave them to do that instead of using enhancements?

Some people get Botox injections to stave off wrinkles. God designed us to age. Should we be messing with that progression?

There’s a little blue pill that some men use to be able to have sex in their later years. I’m sure they are very thankful for the scientists who discovered it, but if your body can no longer do that, isn’t that God’s way of saying you are done?

And how about the world of plastic surgery? Breast implants. Butt implants. Liposuction. What about the make-up we wear to cover our flaws or enhance our beauty? Colored contacts. The list goes on.

All of these things are personal decisions that people have made regarding their bodies. I don’t mention these things to judge. I’m hoping that I’m giving you something to think about. I know it is difficult to understand what it means to be transgender if you’ve never known someone who is transgender. Just like the people who have chosen to do the things I’ve listed above, transgender people may make decisions about their bodies. They may take hormones, they may decide to have surgery, or they may choose to do nothing. Here’s the thing in all of the circumstances (for both cis gender people and transgender people)…it’s nobody’s business!

I know some who read this will think it’s a much bigger deal to change your body to reflect a gender in comparison to some of the things I’ve mentioned. I can tell you that if someone makes that decision it isn’t one that’s made overnight or without lots of medical care. What I have seen is that many times it’s a matter of life or death. It’s a hard thing to understand. I certainly didn’t understand at first, and I still have lots to learn. We need to open our eyes, minds, and hearts to the suffering that is happening. We need to exercise our compassion muscles.