love

Can you keep a secret?…

/ Lesa / 4 Comments

I celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks ago.  It’s probably the time that I miss my mom the most.  She always made aDIARY-pink415 big deal out of our birthdays.  So I’ve been reflecting on birthdays of the past and remembered a funny story. When I was turning 10, my mom and sister went shopping for a birthday gift for me.  I was hanging out at my grandmother’s house while they did their shopping. My mom of course explained to my sister, who was 5 at the time, that the gift was going to be a surprise and she needed to keep it a secret.  Well, they got to my grandmother’s house and my sister busted through the door and exclaimed, “Lesa, we got you a diarrhea!”  Uh, thanks???  What she meant to say was diary (smile).  So much for keeping it secret!

Growing up I was always taught it wasn’t nice to have secrets.  If I had friends over and I was caught whispering something in one of their ears, my mom would say, “No secrets!”  I think it was her way of making sure that no one felt left out.  Sometimes secrets are fun…like for bridal or baby showers, or a surprise birthday party.  But sometimes secrets are painful.  Things we may have done that we aren’t proud of, or something that has happened to us that makes us feel shame.

I was with a friend recently who had information that she couldn’t share for several months.  Something that she wanted to secretshare, but had to wait.  She explained how hard it was to not mention it when someone would ask how she was doing because it was something really big in her life and she wanted to share it. It struck me when she explained that to me.  I lived that way for six years.  I had a secret.  My son was gay.  There were many reasons why I didn’t share my secret at first.  Like my friend, people would ask how I was doing.  I would smile and reply with the usual “fine” even when my son was in the hospital.  It was hard not to share, but I eventually realized it was God’s timing…not mine…for when the secret should be revealed.

Now that my secret is out, I have realized that I can never go back.  I don’t want to. There are some possible changes coming up in my life and with those changes I want to make sure I can continue on this journey of sharing my story.  I don’t want to go back in the closet.  I can’t.  The most important thing to me going forward is that I can continue to be who I am and pursue my passion of being a voice for the LGBTQ community.  No matter what that looks like.

So, as you encounter people remember that you probably don’t know their whole story.  There may be something that they are keeping inside because they are too scared to let it out.  Tread gently with each other.  Will you be that safe place where someone can share their secret?

My Secret

I have a secret.  Do you see it?

Can you see the pain in my face…my soul?
Do you see my shame….my fear?
Have you noticed the light in my eyes is gone?
Do you see my sadness?

I want to tell you my secret.  Do you hear me?

Do you hear me say that this is something I didn’t choose?
Do you hear me when I tell you I’ve read the Bible passages?
I know what they say.
Do you hear me when I say that I’ve prayed for it to go away?
Oh how I have prayed.
Do you hear me when I say this is who I am?
This is how God created me.
Do you hear my cries?

I told you my secret.  Do you still love me????

I hope so….because love matters.

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Zoberwacky!…

/ Lesa / 2 Comments

To me, there is nothing scarier than teaching a teenager how to drive.  It was so nerve-wracking being in the car with my kids when they were learning.  Since my husband worked a lot of hours, it was mostly up to me to get the necessary 60 hours of driving completed so they could go from learner’s permit to driver’s license.screaming mom This picture had the caption “parents will blurt out warnings constantly as you try to drive.”  That was not the case for me.  I couldn’t get my words out.  It was more like I was speaking in tongues.  In my mind, I would be saying, “Watch out for that car!  You’re too close to the mailbox!  Stop!” Instead what would actually come out of my mouth was something like, “Codswallop flummadiddle!” It was terrible…and scary! One day, my son asked me to take him out on the highway.  It was before his lesson with his driving instructor and he was really nervous about going on the highway for the first time with a stranger.  I agreed to help calm his nerves and we hopped in the car.  As he was getting ready to merge into heavy traffic, I reminded him to look over his shoulder to see if it was clear. He did so with such enthusiasm that he banged his head on the window…really hard.  I thought for sure he knocked himself out!  Luckily he was ok and we survived the outing.  Oh the joys of parenthood!

It’s hard when someone else is in control.  I can’t tell you how many times I pumped a brake that didn’t exist (smile). While teaching my kids how to drive, I wasn’t in control of the car.  I didn’t like that.  I can say the same about life in general. There are times things happen that we just can’t control.  It’s easy to say, “God is in control.” But it is completely different living it out.  I’ve needed this reminder lately:God is already there Thank goodness!  Sometimes I just need to let go of the control.  It’s easy for it to sneak up on me.  I try to “figure things out” before I even know I’m doing it.  I feel so much better when I turn to God and tell Him that I trust Him to do what is best for me.  Believe me though, there are a lot of questions in that at times.  For instance, having an illness for 20 years with no answers is tough.  It can really drive me crazy sometimes.  If I think about my future, it is hard not to get depressed about it.  20 years is a long time to deal with something.  What if it never goes away??  Sometimes it just takes a leap of faith.  I love that saying.  When I think of the word leap, I just think of completely letting go and taking a big jump (In my mind it’s an elegant jump – smile).  Faith…firm belief in something for which there is no proof.  Leap of Faith.  We aren’t always going to know the answers…but we can look to the One who does.  It’s not always going to be easy.  Sometimes it will seem impossible.  But there is freedom in taking that leap.  Even if we don’t get the answer that we want.

leaping fish

While you are at it…leap into some love…because love matters.

Stop the ride!!!

/ Lesa / 4 Comments

When I was a little kid, I didn’t like amusement park rides.  I tried so hard to like them, but to no avail. maxresdefault Time after time my friends would drag me there and bug me endlessly to get on a ride with them.  Every time that I did, I was always reminded why I didn’t want to get on in the first place. The entire ride my face would look something like this poor lady (smile).  I didn’t realize it back then, but part of my problem is that the rides mess with my equilibrium.  Let me tell you…that is not a good feeling.

woman with sunglassesMy family and I have gone on vacations with friends that have included amusement parks. Everyone is always excited to get on the biggest and fastest roller coasters.  It’s not my number one choice for vacations, but I do enjoy watching them have fun.  And I do play an important role.  Picture the woman with the sunglasses with several purses, backpacks, and cell phones, and that is a picture of me.  The holder of stuff.  Without fail, they usually come off the ride and proceed to tell me that their eyes were watering, and snot was coming out of their noses.  And then they exclaim, “It was awesome!”  Really?  This is people’s idea of fun??  Call me crazy, but I don’t get it (smile).

emotional-roller-coasterLately I’ve been feeling like life has me on a roller coaster.  I hate the ride.  I want to get off of the ride.  And just when I think the ride is over…the roller coaster starts up for another round and I have to go again.  There are tears (and snot because of those tears – smile), and I think to myself, “this isn’t awesome and it isn’t fun.”  When my kids get on a roller coaster, one of the things that worries me is that the ride will break and they will get stuck at the highest point of the coaster.  And that is how I’ve been feeling.  Stuck. Focused on the fact that I hate the ride. Focused on the fact that there isn’t anything in my power I can do at the moment to stop the ride.  It’s awful…and dare I say unfair (smile)?  I realized I’ve been looking at this all wrong.  I need to focus on the One that keeps me securely fastened in the ride.  The One who is in control of the ride and protects me.  I’ve been here with Him before. He knows the big dips, sharp turns, upside down twists, and He keeps me safe the whole time. He provides the security that I need and I need to trust in Him.  After all, I know the ride won’t last forever.  And I know that at the end, I will be a stronger person because of it.

Matthew 6:25-34

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[a] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

I might not love rides (smile)…but I do love God and the people He’s created…and love matters.

coffee for your heart

Nose as long as a telephone wire…

/ Lesa / 2 Comments

Kids have the craziest sayings.  At least they did when I was growing up.  Things like, “I’m rubber and you’re glue.  Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!”  We would say this if someone said something mean about us.  It wouldn’t really be about us (because we are rubber and the word would bounce off of us), but would rather stick to the person who said it because they were “glue.”  I can remember having little “wars” with these sayings. You always wanted to be the person to get the last word.  Then there was the infamous, “Liar, liar, pants on fire…nose as long as a telephone wire!”  Memories…

2014.06.27 14.12.02.567When my daughter was about 4 years old, she came up into my bedroom to tell me about an “incident” that had happened downstairs.  For the life of me I can’t remember the actual incident, but it was regarding something that was broken or a really big mess that was made.  She interrupted what I was doing and proceeded to tell me the biggest whopper of a story I have ever heard.  It was very intricate, very detailed, very much hogwash…I could just tell.  I waited for her to get to the end of her convoluted fib, and then with a confused look simply said to her, “What?  Can you repeat that please?” She then proceeded to burst into tears.  She knew there was no way she could come up with all of that again (smile).

I know how she felt.  When I discovered that my son was gay, I didn’t tell a lie, but I very much felt like I was living one.  I didn’t tell anyone for 3 weeks (my husband was the only other person who knew).  But I soon learned how damaging this was to me and I just couldn’t take it anymore.  One day at work (I work for my church), I went out into the courtyard on our property with my Bible.  I sat on a bench and just prayed and asked God “Why? Why did this happen, what did I do wrong, how could I fix it??” And like my daughter I burst into tears.  I knew I needed to tell the staff because I felt like I was lying.  I felt fake.  So that day they learned my secret.

If I thought it was hard for me to live with that secret, it was a million (actually there aren’t numbers large enough to describe) times harder for my son.  Growing up in a Christian family, going to church, going to a private Christian school made it even tougher.  Before my husband and I realized he was dealing with this, he spent two years praying and calling out to God to change him.  He lived in fear of our rejection, God’s rejection, and the rejection of friends and family.  So, he pretended that he was someone else. When he couldn’t take it any longer, and started opening up to people, he was bullied.  This led to depression, anxiety, hopelessness, self-hatred, and self-harm.  That is no way to live.  I watched him go from a happy, silly kid to a depressed and dark place.  It was terrifying.

We are taught that lying is wrong.  To me, asking people to deny who they are is like asking them to lie and in some ways I feel like that is what the church is asking people to do.  And at the same time…coming out is so hard and scary.  They face being rejected by friends and family, hate crimes, discrimination, etc.  But I truly feel that all of those are less harmful than living a lie and pretending to be someone you are not.  It does major damage to you emotionally and psychologically.  When my son finally accepted himself, he went from that dark depressed place to one of light.  He is happy, more confident, and less anxious.  The risk is worth it, because the secret is too damaging.

It took several more years before I came out to more people, and as of September 2013, to the world when I started this blog.  I understand to some extent the freedom that someone feels when they come out (I touch on this in my In Christ Alone post).  It is so nice to feel like you aren’t living a lie.  Now it takes everything I have not to wrap myself in a rainbow flag (rainbows are a symbol for the LGBT community) as I’m out in public to let people know that I am a safe place to land.  They can share their secret with me.  They can be who they truly are…and I will love them.

Because love matters…Rainbow-flag

I don’t want to be a Christian…

/ Lesa / 9 Comments

My daughter and I were out and about one day and decided to stop in Chipotle Mexican Grill to get a bite to eat. The line was really long and it was quite loud with a lot of activity.  I don’t know why, but I was nervous about the chipotleprocedure of ordering because I couldn’t remember exactly how to do it.  I knew it was something like Subway…tell the first person what you want and then someone else build’s upon it.  When it came to my turn to order, I told the young man I wanted a burrito.  And then this happened…

Me:  I would like a burrito
Young man:  Would you like pinto beans or black beans?
Me:  Yes
Young man:  What?
Me:  Chicken!

What can I say?? I panicked.  I don’t know why.  I couldn’t hear what he was saying exactly.  I heard, “Do you want black beans?”  Which I replied yes because…well…I really like black beans.  When he said, “What?” I thought to myself, “Oh no!  I did it wrong.”  I couldn’t really hear him so I thought maybe he asked me what kind of meat I wanted because you have your choice.  Hence me exclaiming, “Chicken!”  Well, I can tell you the look on his face was priceless.  When I saw that look, I realized I had totally screwed up.  So, I just simply said, “Can we start over?” (smile).  Once again I was asked what kind of beans I preferred which I promptly replied that I would like black beans.  Then he slide my burrito over to the next person who asked me what kind of meat I wanted.  It was painful, but I survived getting my order.  My daughter and I laughed about it all the way home.  She said, “Mom, you really yelled out – CHICKEN!”  It is now a running joke with all of my friends.  When we have a loss for words, we just simply yell “Chicken!”

It was a really busy time for me and I was a bit frazzled.  Have you ever had one of those weeks?  Or months? (sigh).  When everything is going in every direction, and you have a hard time keeping up.  You have so many “balls” in the air and eventually one or all of them come crashing down on you.  Instead of exclaiming “chicken” they are yelling “failure”, “worthless”, “stupid”, “not enough.”  Those kind of days, weeks, or months are rough. I don’t know about you, but sometimes it’s really hard to pull myself out of them.

I had one of those weeks last week.  I mentioned in my last post some “not so nice” commentary that was out there on the internet.  It wasn’t just what the individual person said…it was all of the comments that followed.  A lot of people expressed their strong opinions in a very strong, negative way.  It was overwhelming…really overwhelming.  It hurt my heart.  It was discouraging.  I couldn’t stop it from occupying my thoughts.  (Ok…the song Let It Go just ran through my mind) Ugh.

My first reaction was one of wanting to run away…from the church…from my situation.  Honestly, I had just had it.  I was done.  I didn’t even want to go to church on Sunday.  I was trying to get over it, but I had a hard time quieting my mind.  I couldn’t get past asking God what He was doing.  I’m involved with the LGBT community because of my son…yes, but God has called me to put myself out there (one way is writing this blog).  And although the comments weren’t directed to me, they spoke volumes to me.  I felt like I had been kicked in the gut.  As I said before, I felt beat up.  I didn’t want to read the Bible and I didn’t want to pray.

So I started my prayers by literally telling God that I didnt’ feel like praying.  I told Him that I didn’t even know what to pray, and I sat with that for a few days.  I asked Him to soften my heart to those who persecute others without really knowing their story.  If I’m called to love, I can’t be selective in my love either.  Slowly He began putting the pieces of my heart back together.  He reminded me again that not everyone will delve into the reasons for homosexuality like I have because of my family.  I realized that I had taken it upon myself to try to change people’s minds about this issue. I can’t do that. It’s too big.  But although it is bigger than me, it’s not too big for my God. I’m just a messenger.  It’s up to God to do the rest.  I didn’t realize how much pressure I was putting on myself and when I read those comments I just felt like a failure.  If my journey makes just ONE person realize that this issue isn’t as black and white as we try to make it, then that is success.

Our devotion at staff this week was by Andy Stanley.  It was about living in the tension of grace and truth.  It helped me to realize that this tension I live in every day will not and should not go away.  It’s exactly where I am supposed to be.  Jesus was radical and often times his actions didn’t make sense to those who were used to dealing with the law.  I want to be like Jesus. Radical in my faith.  I don’t want to be a Christian…that’s not what the disciples were considered.  They were Jesus followers and I want to be a follower of Jesus.

These were good reminders for me this week:

It’s always good to remember that God is in control.  I needed to let go of control, and ask God to help me to not act out of control in my anger.  And although I would love to change the world, and hope to make a difference in it, I realize that I need to make the necessary changes in myself to make that difference. I will never have it all figured out.  That’s why this life is a journey.

 

So…who’s up for some radical love…because love matters.

 

coffee for your heart