love

Say it isn’t so…

/ Lesa / 4 Comments

When I was 10 years old, my friends and I loved to skate board.  Now we are talking 1977 so it wasn’t the cool skate boards of today.  The boards were much different back then.  They were very thin, barely fitting your foot – not like the wider versions of today.  And although the wheels weren’t metal like the roller skates back in the day, they weren’t the greatest.  My board was bright yellow and as I think back to what it looked like…it was like riding a banana (smile).  One fateful day as I was riding my skate board home, I had a little accident.  One of my wheels hit a small rock.  The skate board stopped…I didn’t.  I went flying through the air and landed…on my face…specifically…my mouth.  As I was picking myself up off the sidewalk, a little piece of my tooth fell out of my mouth.  It was pretty small so I didn’t think anything of it.  I picked up my board and walked the rest of the way home.

I walked in the front door and told my mom what happened.  She looked at my tooth and admitted that it wasn’t that bad (in fact…she had chipped the same tooth – in the same pattern).  But then she said eight words that rocked my world, “If your tooth dies, it will turn black.”  What?!  Your tooth can die?  She explained that when you injure your tooth sometimes the root dies and it can turn black.  I started crying.  I didn’t want a black tooth.  It was my front tooth! Everyone would see it!  Moments ago I landed on my face and didn’t shed a tear, but my mom tells me that my tooth may change color and I completely fall apart.

When I first learned that my son was gay, it was upsetting.  Not so much because he was gay, but at the time I believed that something somewhere along his life went wrong.  It was my fault…or his dad’s.  I never believed it was a choice, but rather something that could be “fixed.”  So although it was upsetting, I had hope that he could change.  I read everything I could get my hands on regarding the subject.  What I found was very conflicting information.  Upsetting information.  From the Christian standpoint, orientation could be changed.  I read articles from organizations from ex-gay ministries that were very hopeful.  Stories about how people were able to become attracted to the opposite sex.  From the LGBT standpoint, orientation could not be changed.  I read articles from people about how the ex-gay ministry techniques had hurt them.  Stories from parents that had lost their children to suicide because the shame and pain were too much for them to handle when the change they prayed for didn’t happen.

I read my Bible and articles from people who study the Bible.  Scholars of the different languages and cultures of the time.  I found the same thing here.  Compelling arguments from both sides of the debate (Christian and Gay).  What was I supposed to do?  What should I believe?  I found myself distancing myself from God.  I started to read my Bible less, and my prayer life was dwindling.  I felt like I had to make a choice.  Love God, or love my son.  It seemed the two could not co-exist.  I realize now that I didn’t come to this conclusion from reading the Bible, or from reading the articles I had found.  It came from the body of Christ.  The conversations I was hearing among believers on this subject.  People didn’t know that I had a gay son so they spoke freely in front of me about how they felt about gay people.  And what I was hearing was ugly and hateful.  I felt so torn…I didn’t believe what my fellow believers were saying, but I also didn’t want to be blinded by my hopes and dreams for my son.

So I went straight to God.  I told Him that I needed His help.  I didn’t know how to do this.  I was confused.  I so desperately wanted to do the right thing.  I told Him I was at a crossroad…I couldn’t take all the back and forth information.  I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do whatever it was I needed to do.  It was scary because I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear what He would tell me (just like I didn’t like hearing my tooth might turn black).  This is the gist what I heard:

“In case you haven’t noticed, I am God…you are not.  Stop trying to figure this out.  I got this.  It’s between myself and your son, the child that I created.  I love him and it is ok for you to love him too.”  My response was something like, “But God he has stepped away from you right now.  How is he going to hear you?  How will he know what you want him to do?”  And again I heard that it wasn’t for me to figure out…just to love him.  “But what if he dates someone.  What am I supposed to do then??”  And I heard, “Love him too.”  WOW…really?  Well, I can do that (smile).

dont worryI found this on the internet this week.  It reminded me of my brief crisis of faith through this experience.  There were lots of tears, many prayers, and unbearable pain at times.  God saw me, He heard me, and He gave me peace.  I am so thankful for that.

This is an issue that deserves our attention.  Those of us that have gay children feel like we have been plopped down into the middle of a war.  A war we didn’t ask for, a war that our children didn’t ask for.  I have read story after story from parents about how they and their children have been treated by the church…by other believers, in very unkind, unloving ways. Kids are dying.  I love my church…I love the Church.  I just think we need to have some conversations.  I would like to tell people things like think before you speak.  You have no idea what it is like to go through this unless you experience it first hand.  Have your opinions, but speak them with love.  It is possible you know.  And maybe before you give your opinion…ask questions.  Make sure you truly understand the impact of what you are going to say.

We all have trials in this life that we go through.  Whether it’s having a gay child, going through a divorce, dealing with illness, having an addiction, chipping your tooth (smile).  God always sees, always hears, and He will deliver. Most of the time in very surprising, unexpected ways.  By the way…my tooth didn’t turn black.  And after many years of harassment from my dentist…I finally got it fixed 12 years after my accident (smile).

Love each other…God commands it…because love matters.

Coffee-for-Your-Heart-150

 

In whom do I trust…

/ Lesa / 2 Comments

Kai KickI love this picture!  This is Kai doing a jumping side kick.  That’s his dad holding the board that he is breaking.  You can see that there is another person behind him helping to brace for the impact.  It amazes me that someone can be standing perfectly still one second, and in the next jump that high to break a board.  There is a lot of power in that kick…and it takes a lot of trust on the part of the person holding the board because the target area is barely bigger than their foot.  They have to trust that the person is going to hit the board…and not them.  If you’ve ever watched “America’s Funniest Videos,” you know that the kicker is not always successful (smile).

Coffee-for-Your-Heart-150I’m joining Holley Gerth today in her “Coffee for Your Heart” challenge to encourage others.  She usually gives us a theme each week, but this week she gave us our choice of topic.  I decided to write about trust because it’s something that has recently been tested in my family.

On December 11th, my husband Mike was unable to get out of bed.  He had extreme pain in his lower back and literally could not move.  By the next day, I needed to take him to the emergency room.  Let me tell you…that was not easy, and not just because he is 6’2″ and I am only 5’0″ (smile).  The pain was excruciating.  The hospital gave him some pain meds and referred him to an orthopedic surgeon.  When we saw the surgeon, he explained that he suspected a herniated disc was the culprit.  He explained that the body can heal itself given some time, but sometimes surgery is necessary.  My husband decided to try the non-surgical route first.  Well six weeks later, working from home because he couldn’t drive, and hobbling around like an 80-year-old man, he still wasn’t better so he went for an MRI.  At the follow-up visit, we learned that it was indeed a herniated disc…a really big one.  We left the office with a decision to be made…have surgery, or see if the body would heal itself in time.

After doing some research, my husband decided that he should consult with a neurosurgeon to get another opinion as the disc was really pressing on the nerves in his spine.  After consulting with a neurosurgeon, and hearing again that the herniation was very large, he decided to have the surgery.  There was just one problem…they were calling for 17 inches of snow in our area starting the night before surgery.  Sigh.  In the meantime, Mike had done some research (more extensive than he originally had done) and discovered some things about this surgeon that he was a little apprehensive about.  He prayed about it and asked God to give him a sign if he shouldn’t go through with the surgery.  Since the forecast was calling for so much snow, he called the doctor’s office the night before to see if they would be canceling due to the weather.  They assured him that they rarely cancel surgery and it was still a go in the morning.  The hospital was 35 minutes from our house so we decided to get a hotel room 3 miles away to make sure we could make it there in the snow.  The next morning we got up and low and behold…they canceled the surgery. Mike was beside himself.  He wondered what he should do.  Was God telling him not to have the surgery?  Or was God telling him to go to a different doctor?  What did it mean?  He asked for a sign and this surely seemed like a sign. I told him that since he had reservations about the surgeon, I would take the cancellation to mean that he should look for a different one.

So, after tons of research, and asking around to lots of people, he found a doctor that was an orthopedic and neurosurgeon.  He had a very good reputation.  So, we went to see him and were told the same thing.  At this point, we were almost 3 months into this and he was tired of living in pain so he decided to go with the surgery…again.  As the day of surgery was nearing, another snow storm was coming our way…really??  Luckily it wasn’t as big as predicted and it was all clear by surgery day. There was just one problem…Mike started to feel better 3 days before the surgery date.  He had been walking hunched over for months, but suddenly he could stand upright.  He wasn’t completely pain-free, but the pain was suddenly and significantly diminished.  At first he thought maybe he was just having a good day, but after 3 days with less pain he wondered if he was getting better.  Did this mean he was healing?

The day of surgery finally arrived.  We chatted with the nurse as she prepped him.  She asked about his injury and he went through the whole story.  She said she had been a nurse for 34 years surgery had only been canceled twice in all those years.  It seemed clear to us that God didn’t want Mike to have the surgery with that first doctor.  So, the surgeon came in and Mike explained how he was feeling.  The doctor said he didn’t have to have the surgery if he felt like he was getting better, it wouldn’t hurt his feelings (smile).  Mike’s struggle was that he had been praying for healing and he felt like maybe he was healing.  But in his own words, he is a blockhead and he knows that God knows that about him so he had specifically asked for a clear sign.  His partial healing confused him.  Did it mean God would eventually totally heal him?  I felt peace about the surgery, but Mike did not and he wanted to feel peace about whether or not to have the surgery.  What to do, what to do?  The doctor left so that we could chat about it.  Mike said he was praying for a clear sign, but this didn’t feel clear (like surgery getting canceled).  Since he didn’t feel like he had a clear sign, and he knew that God wouldn’t try to confuse him, he trusted that surgery was the right decision.

The surgery took twice as long as it was supposed to because when the doctor went in he couldn’t even see the nerves.  80% of the spinal cavity was filled with the disc and it had wrapped around the nerves.  The reason why he had started to feel better is because the nerve was being choked and was actually dying.  Good thing he had the surgery!

I wrote in another post about “what if’s” and how you can get stuck with that thought pattern.  That particular post dealt with the “what if’s” of the past.  My husband’s “what if’s” were for his future.

What if he died on the operating table?
What if he was paralyzed?
What if the surgery didn’t work?
What if he got an infection?
What if his body eventually healed itself?

On and on…

These “what if’s” had metaphorically paralyzed him.  It made it difficult to make decisions.  He was trying to put his trust in God, but it was confusing.  Looking back it seemed clear that God didn’t want him to have surgery the first time.  The second time was not as clear.  We think that we want clear, concise answers from God all the time.  If we really thought about it though, I don’t think we would like that.  It seems to me that we could become somewhat robotic.  There wouldn’t be much of a relationship if we didn’t have to lean into Him, rely on Him, call on Him in our times of need.  But this trust thing is hard because deep down we know that things aren’t always going to turn out the way we want them to turn out.  We have to trust that God will be with us no matter what happens.  He will always be there to help us.  And He answers us…not always with the answer we want, or with the timing we would like, but He does answer.  The first surgery was canceled.  We felt that was an answer.  The second time it wasn’t canceled and things seemed unclear.  But we got our answer after Mike stepped out in faith.  The doctor said his injury was so bad he wouldn’t have gotten better on his own so surgery was necessary.  In fact, he would have gotten worse.

I had a situation recently that involved trust.  I’m in a women’s study at my church and there are some new ladies in the group so I knew that not everyone knew that my son is gay.  We were going around the room and answering questions.  There were several ways I could have answered the question, but I decided to answer in a way that let them know my situation.  I have a gay son.  I had to trust the ladies in the room which is not easy because in the past when I’ve shared some gossip has come out of it.  But I had to trust that this is what God wants me to do.  He wants me to tell my story.  And I trust that He is with me every step of the way.  It’s the only way I am able to do it.

As Christians, we want to do God’s will.  We consult with Him when we need to make decisions.  However, when we don’t feel like we get a direct answer, we need to step out in faith and trust God.  He can’t work though us if we are paralyzed by fear and indecision.

Psalm 91:2 (NIV)

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

And remember to love each other…because love matters.

Small things…big difference…

/ Lesa / 2 Comments

tastykakebutterscotchWhen I was a little girl, I loved Fridays, and it wasn’t because it was the start to the weekend.  Nope…I loved Fridays because it was grocery shopping day. Now don’t worry…my parents didn’t starve me (smile).  I just knew that when my dad came home from the store I was going to get a treat.  Sometimes it was gingersnap cookies, sometimes it was a Slim Jim, but my all time favorite was Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets.  Yum!  AND I was allowed to eat them before I had dinner, plus I got to spend time with my dad while he put the groceries away.

Coffee-for-Your-Heart-150I’m joining Holley Gerth today and her “Coffee for Your Heart” challenge to encourage others.  This week’s theme is “A small thing that makes a big difference is…”  Well, a Butterscotch Krimpet may seem like a small thing, but it was a big deal to me.  Not only was it something tasty, but I got to spend quality time with my dad.  It was a special little thing that we shared.  It let me know that while he was at the store…he was thinking about me.  He was doing an ordinary task that people do everyday, and he took the time to find my treat and bring it home to me.

There are a lot of small things that can make a big difference…

Did you ever receive a phone call from a friend at just the right time?  Did they lift your spirits or make you laugh on a day that you didn’t think that was possible?  A small thing…big difference.

Have you ever received a card in the mail from a friend that spoke to you in just the right way…at just the right time? Did it let you know that you weren’t alone…that someone loved you and was thinking about you?  A small thing…big difference.

Have you ever had someone hold the door for you at a store on a day where you felt like everyone was against you? Or have someone stop their car and let you pass in front of them on a day when you just felt invisible to the rest of the world?  Small things…big difference.

Has someone ever said to you, “I’ll pray for you.” during a difficult time, but instead of waiting for their quiet time with God, they prayed with you right then and there?  A small thing…big difference.

These small things make a big difference too…

Posting that comment on FB that was less than kind about someone.  A small thing…but maybe that comment fed doubts and fears already hard for them to control…big difference.

Telling that gay joke.  A small thing…but it is offensive and hurtful to not only the gay person, but to their friends and family as well…big difference.

Pointing out certain verses in the Bible regarding homosexuality to “plant seeds” to your gay family member or friend.  A small thing…but trust me, if they’ve grown up in the church they have been over those verses a million times and if they haven’t grown up in the church…not the best approach to introduce them to God…big difference.

We all need to remember that it’s not only the big things we do in life that people notice…it’s the small things too. And sometimes those small things make a bigger impact then we ever imagined they could…good or bad.

My husband finally had his back surgery yesterday.  We were bombarded with prayers, texts, and emails all with well wishes…small things…big difference.  We could feel their love.  (hopefully this post will make sense…we didn’t get much sleep in the hospital last night)

To this day, I can not see a package of Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets and not think of my dad (smile).

Love each other….because love matters.

Does someone need a hug?

/ Lesa / 3 Comments

At the risk of everyone thinking I am totally cuckoo, I’m going to share a childhood story with you.  When I was really little (well…young…people would say I’m still little), my parents got me a pet rabbit that I named Puff.  I don’t remember my pet rabbit because I was so young, but apparently when Puff went to heaven I was one sad little girl.  My mom told me I would stand at the back door and cry, asking Puff why he left me because I loved him and wanted him to be with me.  I guess my parents felt bad for me so they got me a goldfish…which I named Puff.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I can appreciate the beauty of fish, and really enjoy fish in aquariums, but a goldfish in a glass bowl just was not meeting my nurturing spirit to love an animal.  I remember my fish Puff and I remember how sad I was when he died.  parakeetSo, my parents got me a bird.  You guessed it…Puff the parakeet.  (Don’t ask me why I named every pet Puff.  Maybe it was because I was young and didn’t have a very large vocabulary.)  Now Puff the bird was better than Puff the fish, but I found that having a bird was still not quite meeting my need to share love with a pet. I can remember putting my little fingers through the cage bars to try to pet him and he would peck at them. It hurt!  I remember crying asking him, “Puff why did you bite me.  You hurt me!  I love you.  I want to pet you.”  Well occasionally my parents would let Puff out to stretch his wings and he would fly around the house.  I became very good at sneaking up on him.  I would wait until he was at a level I could reach, and I would move very slowly towards him and snatch him up when he least expected it.  I would then run with him to a very small coat closet that we had so he couldn’t get away from me, and I would hold him close against my chest and stroke his little head and hug him.  I can still remember the feeling of his little heart beating a mile a minute against my chest.  Now don’t worry.  He never got hurt.  I just desperately wanted to show my love to him and I so wanted to be able to hold him all the time and hug him.  Pretty weird, huh?

I’ve gotten lots of questions since coming out about my son being gay (yes, the parents have their own sort of coming out).  One of the most common questions/comments I get is this:  “I know that we are supposed to love everyone.  But when it comes to someone who is gay – I’m not sure what that is supposed to look like.”  I have to admit…I’m a little taken aback when I hear this.  To me, this sounds like conditional love.  I’m not sure why love would look different. If it’s because they take the stance that being gay is a sin, aren’t we all sinners?  Should I ask how I should love the proud, the addict, the gossiper, the adulterer?  I don’t think so.

I read a post the other day that has haunted me. I will add the link at the end of this post so that you can read it for yourself.  I don’t want to misquote it.  The post was discussing the GCN Conference that took place in January.  GCN stands for Gay Christian Network.  The annual Gay Christian Network conference brings hundreds of brothers and sisters in Christ together for fellowship, worship, support, Bible study, and more.  It’s for the LGBT community, but anyone can attend and sometimes parents attend with their gay children.  Here is a quote from the post regarding the conference:

“The parents had their own meeting time to share their stories with each other and be support for each other. What they decided to do later that day was beyond amazing. Those that were comfortable enough agreed to line the hall outside one of the meeting rooms and give hugs to those of us that needed and wanted them. When they made that announcement, I realized I still carried a lot of pain due to my father’s reaction. I KNEW I was going to get a hug from a dad!”

Shew!  Still makes me cry reading it.  Imagine…being rejected by your parent and wanting to be accepted so badly that a hug from a stranger takes some of the sting of rejection away.  So, how does it look to love a gay person?  It should look the same as loving your spouse, your children, your neighbor…because that is what God commands.  You have no idea the pain and suffering that they’ve gone through.  They are rejected for how they were born.  They didn’t choose to be gay. Picture that hallway…and the line of men and women…young and old…waiting for a hug. Some human contact that lets them know they are loved and accepted simply for being themselves. We need to change the perception that is out there.  This can’t continue.  I’m so glad that God grabbed a hold of my heart and taught me how to be different.  I’m so glad I listened.  My son will never have to stand in that line.  It is one of my life’s missions now to one day be at that conference.  To stand in that hallway…and hug and show love to as many people as I can.

If you consider yourself a Christ follower, how you treat people matters.  You are an ambassador of Christ.  Do you want to turn people away from God, or turn people towards God?

When Puff the parakeet died, my parents got me the pet I wanted all along.  I was at my great grandmother’s house and my mom walked in with a brown paper grocery bag.  She sat it down in front of me and it started to wiggle.  me and cherieI peaked inside and saw a tiny little ball of black fur. My very first dog! No, I didn’t name her Puff…my parents wouldn’t let me (smile).  Can’t you just see the joy on my face as I give her a hug.  I know she doesn’t look as thrilled (and she could really use a haircut in this picture), but she became my best friend.

Give someone a hug…because hugs matter too…

The post I reference is from FreedHearts.  If the link doesn’t take you directly to the post, the title is “When he hugged me, I just fell into his arms.”

Life from the unexpected…

/ Lesa / 2 Comments

I was looking through my vacation pictures the other day.  The most recent being of New England…specifically Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine.  I love that part of the country.  Everywhere you look you can see mountains. There was something really peculiar though…I was amazed at the trees that grew right out of the side of the mountains. I’m not talking about tree covered mountain sides…but trees literally growing out of rocks. I wish I could have gotten better pictures, but most of the time we were driving when we would see them.

Coffee-for-Your-Heart-150How does that happen??  I’m joining my fellow blogger Holley Gerth and her “Coffee for Your Heart” challenge to encourage others.  This week’s topic is “What are the encouraging words you want to hear when you’re having a hard day?”  To be honest, I’m not sure that there are words that I want to hear when I’m having a bad day.  Sometimes it helps me more to just have someone listen. So, when someone is having a bad day the first thing I do is listen to them.  Let them vent because it helps to get it all out.  I find that sometimes an answer to a problem comes just from talking about it out loud to a friend.  If the circumstances are right, I also use humor.  I’ll be the first to admit that I am just a big goof ball at heart (and my friends have plenty of pictures to prove it unfortunately [smile]).    Now I would never say this to someone in the midst of a hard day (I would probably get smacked upside the head), but the truth is…those hard days can turn into something that is good for us.

quarrySo how is it possible for trees to grow right out of rock?  How can something beautiful grow from something so hard and lifeless?  One of the places that we visited our first time in Vermont was the Rock of Ages Quarry.  They have amazing granite there, and as you can see, there are trees growing right out of that granite.  The tour guide explained that all it takes is a small crack to develop in the rock.  This allows the rain to get down in there and it slowly breaks the rock down into sand and dirt.  Add a little sunshine to the mix and some wind to blow some seed and low and behold…you get a tree!  So what can seem like a flaw in the rock, actually is something that brings forth life.

What does that have to do with a bad day, or month, or year?  Well there are times when life is just plain hard.  Things happen that we just can’t explain or understand (why would God allow this to happen?, etc).  We have a choice when this happens. We can close off our heart to God, our family and friends, and even to ourselves.  Or, we can choose to open up about our struggles.  Share them with someone…with God.  Open our hearts so God can rain down His healing power.  He can take a difficult situation, something that seems so impossible, and allow it to break us down, and grow us into something we never expected possible.  I don’t dare pretend that this process is easy.  But I can tell you that if you allow God to work through your bad days, amazing things can take place.  I never dreamed that having a gay child would strengthen my relationship with God, but it has done just that.  It was hard, it was confusing at times, and it has made me love Him even more.

So, if you’re having a bad day…know that God is with you.  He loves you more than you can imagine.  He cares about what you are going through. And someday, you will see how you’ve grown through the experience.

When it feels like everything is falling apart…remember this:

Love each other…because love matters…