what to do if your child is gay

I’m coming out (sang like Diana Ross)…

/ Lesa / Leave a comment

The other day I heard the song “Lady” by the Little River Band on the radio.  Boy did it bring back memories.  I’ve mentioned before that I LOVE music.  When I hear a song, it takes me right back to whatever was happening at that time in my life.  Well this was 1978.  I was in the 6th grade.  Every Friday night my friends and I would go to the rec center in my neighborhood for middle school dances.  I thought I was sooo grown up because I would get home just as the television show Dallas was coming on.  That show came on at 9pm (smile).  I was “big stuff” alright.

These dances were so much fun.  They had contests for different dance styles (disco, slow dancing, etc).  They evenNapoleonDynamiteDancing had some singing contests…kind of like karaoke but without all of the fancy equipment.  I never did the singing, but I did participate in the dance contests every week and even won a few.  As fun as these dances were to me, there were some pretty scary moments as well.  Being an 11-year-old girl, waiting for a boy to ask me to dance, was pretty terrifying.  What if no one asks?  What if someone does (smile)? Awkward times for sure.  Being in this scenario as a young gay person, however, adds much more trepidation.

I’m often asked why gay people feel the need to “come out.”  Why can’t they keep what happens in the bedroom private?  If we were just talking about sex, that would be a valid point.  But coming out, isn’t a declaration about sex.  I haven’t read one “coming out” story that included anything about sex actually.  I want you to know that for most people coming out is a painstaking decision.  It is not taken lightly…there is a lot at stake.  It takes some people years to take that step.

If you were single for any length of time longer than what your family thought was reasonable, you were probably bombarded with tons of questions at family gatherings by well-meaning relatives.  “Have you met anyone interesting lately?” “What ever happened with so and so…he/she was nice?”  “What are you waiting for?  You aren’t getting any younger you know.”  “Don’t you want to have children?”  Pretty annoying.  Now imagine being gay and getting these same questions.  Over and over again…not just by relatives, but by well-meaning friends as well.  “I have the perfect girl/guy for you.”  You politely decline the “set-ups.”  But eventually, these situations are too painful to bear.  It’s not just a matter of answering the questions.  Sure you can say you haven’t met anyone, but having to do this over and over again starts to feel like lying.  Let’s face it…some people are pretty aggressive when it comes to pursuing someone.  Having to tell someone “no” many times can be daunting.  Especially if you don’t like hurting other people’s feelings.

I can’t speak for someone who has come out, but I have a little glimpse into what it is like because I went through a coming out process as a parent of a gay child.  You know how it is when you haven’t seen or spoken to someone for a while who knows your children…the first thing you do is catch up with each other and what your kids are up to.  Someone would ask me about my son and I would say he is doing well when in reality I was surviving day by day just trying to keep him alive.  I didn’t feel genuine.  Instead of facing reality, I was pretending.  Coming out and telling my story freed me from those feelings.  I am so glad that part of my journey is over.  After the initial fear of putting my “news” out there, I felt freedom that is indescribable.  I wanted to shout it from mountain tops because it was healing…but singing the Diana Ross song that is in my title sufficed (smile).

I don’t mean to make light of the process.  I’ve talked to many gay people who have described their coming out process. Many of these stories are painful.  This past weekend I actually got to hear some of these stories in person at The Reformation Project Conference in Washington, DC.  My heart is still breaking from some of the stories that I heard that weekend.  The people who shared that part of their lives with me have left an imprint on my heart that will be there forever.  I met some AMAZING people…so full of love and grace even when treated horribly.  And even though there are many sad stories, I also know that there are lighter souls out there because they are being true to themselves.  The outcome with family members and friends may not always be what they hope for, but it is often during this process that they realize that God loves them just the way they are.

Of course, not everyone’s journey is the same, and people come out for their own personal reasons.  But, if someone comes out to you, treat them with grace and dignity.  They aren’t flaunting their sexuality.  They are fragile. They are trusting you with their very lives and hearts.  So love them…

Because love matters.

Peep!…

/ Lesa / 6 Comments

Growing up I was in charge of watching my little sister after school until my parents got home from work.  Every day I would meet up with her and we would walk to the bus stop together.  On one particular day, we had quite the adventure.  I had forgotten the house key and we had to wait on our front porch for our dad to get home.  It really wasn’t a big deal as it was a nice day and we only had to wait about an hour for him.  We were relaxing on our porch swing when  a girl around my age came walking up the street and started a conversation with us.  I was 13 at the time and my sister was 8.

At first the conversation was harmless.  I had no idea who she was, but she said that she lived one block over from our street. During the conversation, the girl started to get agitated.  I have no idea why.  As things started to get heated, my sister slowly moved and hid behind me. The girl chickproceeded to get more and more angry and then  she did something really weird…she opened our mailbox and started to go through our mail!  At that point, I was done with this conversation and told her she needed to move along…and leave our mail alone.  She started to come up our porch steps and got in my face a bit…which really freaked out my sister.  I made sure she stayed behind me and told the girl she needed to leave our property.  She gave me a bit of a fit, but finally started to back down.  As she reached the final step, she turned around and announced that she was leaving now, but if she heard one “peep” out of us we were going to “get it.”

Well…if you know me personally, you know that this did not fly.  I get a little defiant if someone tells me not to do something the way this girl did.  I guess it’s because I’m small and people would try to push me around because of it.  I waited until she got down the sidewalk…almost out of sight behind a row of bushes…and said “pppeeeeppp!”  I couldn’t resist.  I thought my sister was going to faint.  The girl came stomping back to us.  I honestly can’t remember what happened next.  I was busy reassuring my sister who was pretty much hyperventilating at this point.  Good times (smile).  I can tell you that it ended peacefully though.

Telling me what to do didn’t always go well…at least coming from a peer.  My defiant streak would come out.  Defiance…a refusal to obey something or someone.  I’ve had some conversations with people who think LGBTQ people are defiant.  They think LGBTQ people just want to do what they want regardless of consequences and without taking into account what the Bible has to say about it.  This frustrates me.  I don’t think it is right to judge what people’s motives are when you don’t know where they are coming from.   The people who have had these conversations with me don’t even know someone who is gay, yet they’ve made the decision that LGBTQ people don’t care what God says about this issue.  This needs to change.  So let’s turn the tables for a moment…

We all know the Bible states many things that are sins.  Let’s pretend for a moment that homosexuality does not exist and let’s put the spotlight on gluttony.

Webster says that gluttony is:
Excess in eating or drinking

These are some of the things the Bible says about gluttony:

Proverbs 23:2 (NIV)
Put a knife to your throat if your are given to gluttony.

Proverbs 23:20-21 (NIV)
Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags.

Proverbs 28:7 (NIV)
He who keeps the law is a discerning son, but a companion of gluttons disgraces his father. 

I would say these are some pretty strong statements.  Wouldn’t you?  If the church treated gluttonous people the way some treat the LGBTQ community, it might look something like this:

* You go into a church for the first time, and you find a seat in one of the pews.  It doesn’t take long before an usher approaches you and taps you on the shoulder and says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow your kind here.  I mean, if we allow you to stay, people may think that we are OK with it.  If word gets out that we are OK with you attending, others may come as well.  So, we are going to have to ask you to leave.”

* Or maybe the church is very welcoming to you when you arrive.  When the call to communion comes, you leave your seat to join the communion table, but as you approach an usher comes up to you and says that you can’t take communion until you “become right with God”  He explains that it is obvious to him that because you are gluttonous, you  do not have enough self-control, haven’t prayed enough, and don’t trust God enough at this time in your life.  You can enjoy the service, but no communion for you.

* You’ve attended a church for a few months and decide that you would like to become a member and maybe even start a ministry where you see the church has an opening for one.  You are politely told that once you get control of your gluttony they would be happy to welcome you as a member and allow you to be a leader of a ministry.

* What if it’s your child?  They hear that there is a fun youth event happening and they want to go and check it out.  When they get there they are turned away because the leaders don’t want them influencing the other youth to be gluttonous.

Over and over again you are told “The Bible says…., the Bible says….the Bible says…”  Not once in any of these scenarios has anyone taken the time to get to know you.  They just assume that you can’t control yourself.  I don’t think you would feel very good about God’s people if this happened to you over and over again.  Sadly, it may even change the way you feel about God.

I didn’t come up with these scenarios.  They have happened.  But not to gluttonous people, it’s happened to LGBTQ people.  And they are repeatedly told they are unwelcome, not good enough, and their Christianity is questioned.  We need to make sure this group of people are no longer marginalized.

Disclaimer:

I didn’t want to write this post.  In fact, I have been procrastinating about if for over a year now.  It’s one of the very first “themes” that I felt like God wanted me to write about to help tell our story.  I fought Him on it…for a long time.  I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.  I knew I would be stepping on some toes.  I even went as far as writing  a few themes on pieces of paper and drawing one out of a cup.  Yep, it was this one.  I really tried hard not to write it.  I don’t for one second feel like God wanted to pick on any one group of people.  I think what God might be getting at is asking us to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.  We are not here to be judge and jury for other people. There are many strong statements in the Bible.  My question is this:

Who is going to be in charge of which verses we pick to judge others?

The Bible does, after all, have verses that speak against gluttony.  But it is ridiculous to think that we would turn people away, or penalize them in Church because they are gluttonous, yet this happens often to LGBTQ people and their families.

Any way…I did it.  Not sure why I was supposed to, but maybe He will leave me alone about it now…or maybe not (smile).

One thing I do know for sure…we are called to love each other…because love matters.

Get out of here you monkeys!…

/ Lesa / 10 Comments

When I was a little girl, I watched the Wizard of Oz at my cousin’s house.  It practically scarred me for life!  It wasn’t the wicked witch that did it either.  It was those darn monkeys!  Oh my goodness they scared the bajeebies out of me.  Let’s face it, they were horrifying, and my poor parents paid the price.  I was terrified to go to bed.  I just knew those monkeys were going to come out at night and get me.  For whatever reason, I thought they lived in my closet.  So every night when it came to bedtime, I would cry and get hysterical about the monkeys in my closet.  My mommonkeys would open the closet and show me that there weren’t any monkeys in there, but it didn’t matter.  In my mind, they were going to magically appear just as I fell asleep.  What’s a parent to do?  You get “monkey spray”…of course. My mom got a can of Lysol and proclaimed that it was monkey spray.  All the monkeys hated this spray and it made them go away. And so it began, the nightly ritual of spraying away the monkeys.  My mom would open the closet and exclaim, “Get out of here you monkeys!” as she sprayed the can of Lysol.  And I bought it…hook, line, and sinker. Genius! And…I had the most germ free closet in America (smile).

Now why did the “monkey spray” work?  Maybe in my mind I really thought that it killed monkeys.  But I think it had more to do with the trust I had in my mom.  I knew that she loved me and would protect me no matter what…even if it meant fighting terrifying monkeys.  If she said that the spray made them go away, then of course I believed her.

We are in the middle of a series at church on faith.  In looking at the series, I noticed that one of the week’s topics was “What do you do when your faith is tested?”  I’ve been pondering that idea because I feel that my faith has been tested on different occasions.  I came to the conclusion that for me faith is really a matter of trust.  Do I trust that God is going to do the things that He says He is going to do?

I was given a gift by God when my mom died that helped to build this trust with Him.  At her funeral, when I felt like I was going to just lose it, I prayed and told God I couldn’t do it alone.  I needed Him to take over for me….and He did.  I felt such a sense of peace that it actually felt like the stress and anxiety were literally being sucked out of my chest.  It was in that moment that I knew for sure that God was real.  He wanted to take my burden, and He did so in a big way.  That gift has helped me through many difficult times in my life since then.  I trusted Him…until one fateful day.

I’ve shared before that when I learned my son was gay I heard God clearly say that it was going to be ok.  I took that to mean that we would discover why this had happened and we would “fix” it.  I was led to believe that it could happen.  I went to places on the internet like Focus on the Family, Family Life Today, and Exodus and read story after story about how people had changed their sexual orientation.  I prayed every day for God to help my son discover why this had happened to him so that he could also have that change.  It is what my son prayed for as well.  As the weeks, months, and eventual years passed, I started to lose my trust in God.  I put Him in a tiny little box and kept Him at arm’s length.  Was He the God that I had believed Him to be?  Why was this happening?  I got to the point that I was afraid to read my Bible because I was scared of what I was going to find, and when I did read it verses like this just led to more confusion:

Matthew 21:21-22
Then Jesus told them, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and don’t doubt, you can do things like this and much more.  You can even say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen.  You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.”

140316133840-largeI did have faith.  I trusted that God would listen to and answer my prayers.  But my trust was fading.  I truly believed that God could do anything (I still do).  I still prayed, but the prayers felt forced.  The Bible tells us that when we don’t have the words to pray, the Holy Spirit will pray the words for us.  I had run out of words so I knew that the Holy Spirit had taken over.  Surely he would know what to pray to make God move in this area.  The change never came.  So, I had to take a look at that.  If this was something that God “hated” so much, why wasn’t He helping my son?  My son was willing, asking for help, but nothing changed.  Why?

Throughout this journey, God was speaking to me.  I just wasn’t listening. Instead, I was listening to people.  It took a lot of time…years even…for me to realize that it wasn’t God that I had lost faith in…I had lost faith in God’s people. Those stories I had read about change turned out to be untrue.  The change that people professed was false.  I can’t tell you how damaging that was to not only me, but to so many others.  I wasted so many years believing that lie and blaming myself for it not happening in my family.

I decided to let God out of the box I had put Him in.  I had to remember that His ways are not my ways.  I was hearing from Him all along.  He was telling me that it was ok to love my son.  He was telling me that He loved Him too. He told me to stop listening to people and focus on Him.  It was hard…it still is some days.  Through this journey I have met so many people who have had horrible experiences at the hands of God’s people.  I know a woman who was told that God gave her a very serious illness because she didn’t kick her gay child out of her home.  I know a family that was banned from their church because they support their gay daughter.  I know families that are torn in half because family members believe that by supporting their gay child they are leading them straight into hell.  And others feel the need to constantly quote Bible verses to us…a common one being this:

2 Timothy 4:3
For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching.  They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.

I’m learning to silence the voices of people and listen for the voice of God. Getting rid of the monkeys (smile).  It is challenging at times.  But I want to fight the good fight, run a good race, and I want to keep the faith.

I love this quote:

A true faith in Jesus Christ will not suffer us to be idle.  No, it is an active, lively, restless principle; it fills the heart, so that it cannot be easy till it is doing something for Jesus Christ – George Whitefield

The heart cannot be easy till it is doing something for Christ.  God has given me a strong desire to help families who are on this same journey.  It is so isolating and painful.  He has also given me a passion for the children who are kicked out of their homes.  I don’t know where it’s going to take me, but I am open to His leading.

I found this quote from John Ortberg this week and I absolutely love it:

“In a contagious world, we learn to keep our distance. If we get too close to those who are suffering, we might get infected by their pain. It may not be convenient or comfortable. But only when you get close enough to catch their hurt will they be close enough to catch your love” ~ John Ortberg

Oh Lord…may I get close enough to another’s hurt so that they catch my love….because love matters.

Trust-building-blocks

 

 

And they called it puppy love…

/ Lesa / 2 Comments

When I was a little girl, my parents were in a lot of bowling leagues.  It was a hobby that they really enjoyed. I especially remember Saturday nights at the bowling alley because I was allowed to have a small soda.  I couldn’t have soda during the week so this was a really special treat.  A little cup of heaven each week (smile).  So, every Saturday I skipped to the snack bar and got myself a small soda.  I was about 8 years old.  There was a young guy (I’m guessing he was a teenager, but to me he seemed like a man) that worked the snack bar on those Saturday nights.  He was always young_lovereally nice to me and would chat with me while I drank my soda. There was nothing weird about it…he was just an outgoing friendly guy and my parents were always near by.  At the time, I didn’t realize what it was, but in looking back I realize I had developed a bit of a crush on him.  I not only looked forward to my soda on Saturdays, but I also looked forward to chatting with my friend.  Back in the day they called this puppy love.  I really had no idea about sex, or even kissing for that matter, but I knew that I liked this person.

I received an email from someone last week, and in the email they explained their beliefs about homosexuality. Overall it was a very encouraging email as this person explained that they felt gay people should be loved and treated with respect.  Yay! However, twice in the email they mentioned about the person’s choice of “lifestyle” and choice of sexuality.  I go back to my story of being a little girl.  If you had asked me what sexuality meant, I would have no clue. I just knew that I liked something about the young man who worked at the snack bar.  The same as a little boy might have a crush on his teacher. It’s all very innocent.

As I got older, I continued to notice boys.  I can say that I was never attracted to girls.  I feel that if you are going to say that someone is making a choice about their attraction, then you are saying they must be attracted to both sexes in order to have to make that choice.  Did you make a choice to be a heterosexual?  I didn’t either.  It just happened…it’s who I am.  If you are married to someone of the opposite sex, has anyone ever said to you, “I’m so happy you chose to live a heterosexual lifestyle.” My guess would be that you haven’t.  Yet, I get comments all the time about gay people choosing a homosexual “lifestyle”.   I may have said this before, but I think where communication breaks down on this topic is there are some people who think of gay people as being straight with a “sex problem”.  That is not the case at all.

I wish people would stop for a moment and think of what it might be like to realize you are gay.  I said realize because that is how it happens.  If you knew the difficulties that gay people face, you would understand that no one would choose it.  And if you happen to be someone in a Christian home who reaches puberty and realizes that you have an attraction for the same-sex, you believe all the things you’ve been taught about homosexuality…about yourself.  This is why so many suffer from depression and shame.  When they finally get the courage to speak up, some are exposed to some horrific practices to try to “cure” them.  It’s called conversion or reparative therapy.  To get a glimpse of what this might be like, I invite you to read Sam’s story:

Born Perfect – Sam Brinton’s Story

I can’t even begin to imagine how someone overcomes that treatment.  I know just seeing how distressed my son was in the beginning of his journey caused emotional scars for me.  I had to change my ringtone on my phone because it was triggering memories of him being in the hospital (we would get calls from his counselor).  And songs that brought me comfort during that time, I can’t listen to anymore.  When I hear them, I see my son hurting himself in front of me in the hospital and I hear him screaming at us when we had to leave him there.

We need to be more interested in listening to people and their stories, rather than judging them and making assumptions that we can’t possibly understand.  And above all else, we need to love…because love matters.

(NCLR has launched #BornPerfect: The Campaign to End Conversion Therapy in the next five years by passing laws across the country to protect LGBT kids, fighting in courtrooms to ensure their safety, and raising awareness about the serious harms caused by these dangerous practices. You can learn more about them (here).  I will also be adding them to my Resource page)

Can you keep a secret?…

/ Lesa / 4 Comments

I celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks ago.  It’s probably the time that I miss my mom the most.  She always made aDIARY-pink415 big deal out of our birthdays.  So I’ve been reflecting on birthdays of the past and remembered a funny story. When I was turning 10, my mom and sister went shopping for a birthday gift for me.  I was hanging out at my grandmother’s house while they did their shopping. My mom of course explained to my sister, who was 5 at the time, that the gift was going to be a surprise and she needed to keep it a secret.  Well, they got to my grandmother’s house and my sister busted through the door and exclaimed, “Lesa, we got you a diarrhea!”  Uh, thanks???  What she meant to say was diary (smile).  So much for keeping it secret!

Growing up I was always taught it wasn’t nice to have secrets.  If I had friends over and I was caught whispering something in one of their ears, my mom would say, “No secrets!”  I think it was her way of making sure that no one felt left out.  Sometimes secrets are fun…like for bridal or baby showers, or a surprise birthday party.  But sometimes secrets are painful.  Things we may have done that we aren’t proud of, or something that has happened to us that makes us feel shame.

I was with a friend recently who had information that she couldn’t share for several months.  Something that she wanted to secretshare, but had to wait.  She explained how hard it was to not mention it when someone would ask how she was doing because it was something really big in her life and she wanted to share it. It struck me when she explained that to me.  I lived that way for six years.  I had a secret.  My son was gay.  There were many reasons why I didn’t share my secret at first.  Like my friend, people would ask how I was doing.  I would smile and reply with the usual “fine” even when my son was in the hospital.  It was hard not to share, but I eventually realized it was God’s timing…not mine…for when the secret should be revealed.

Now that my secret is out, I have realized that I can never go back.  I don’t want to. There are some possible changes coming up in my life and with those changes I want to make sure I can continue on this journey of sharing my story.  I don’t want to go back in the closet.  I can’t.  The most important thing to me going forward is that I can continue to be who I am and pursue my passion of being a voice for the LGBTQ community.  No matter what that looks like.

So, as you encounter people remember that you probably don’t know their whole story.  There may be something that they are keeping inside because they are too scared to let it out.  Tread gently with each other.  Will you be that safe place where someone can share their secret?

My Secret

I have a secret.  Do you see it?

Can you see the pain in my face…my soul?
Do you see my shame….my fear?
Have you noticed the light in my eyes is gone?
Do you see my sadness?

I want to tell you my secret.  Do you hear me?

Do you hear me say that this is something I didn’t choose?
Do you hear me when I tell you I’ve read the Bible passages?
I know what they say.
Do you hear me when I say that I’ve prayed for it to go away?
Oh how I have prayed.
Do you hear me when I say this is who I am?
This is how God created me.
Do you hear my cries?

I told you my secret.  Do you still love me????

I hope so….because love matters.

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