Rainbow tears…guest post

/ Lesa / Leave a comment

A friend of mine from high school is a photographer.  I really enjoy her work and was so excited when she contacted me recently and told me she was working on something for me.  I was so touched by that!  She told me she was inspired by the message that Love Matters.  Well today she tagged me in a Facebook post that had me in tears while I was waiting in line for my coffee at Starbucks.  I just had to share it with you all!

You can check out her website at Debbie Payne Photography.

She also wrote this lovely poem to go along with the picture:

Rainbow tears don’t stain, they can be dried
Love should never question why

Mama bears will love no questions asked
To help find security to move from dark pasts

Love is the core of our human essence
To be given to all through His grace and His presence

The rainbow created from water and light
Three sided prism shine love, hope and new life

Holy is following His Perfect example
Above all else, it is Love that Matters

Inspired by Love Matters, model Alexis G

Thank you so much Debbie for sharing your creativity and artistry with us.  I am honored to have my message inspire your wonderful art <3.

There’s more than one way…

/ Lesa / 2 Comments

Two weeks ago I went to a conference in Baltimore called “Our Shared Humanity.”  It was a conference about a couple of things, but the main focus was racism in the church and what the church can do about it.  Yep…racism in the church.  Just doesn’t seem like the church should have that problem…but sadly it does.

One of my favorite parts of the conference was what they called a Baltimore immersion tour.    I grew up in Baltimore, but I learned a lot from the tour.  We were in a passenger van and went neighborhood to neighborhood and noted the visible changes in each area.  You could tell which neighborhoods were invested in and which were not.  We got some history as we drove through and the problems that were shared seemed insurmountable.  And really they didn’t need to be pointed out…they were easily seen.  I liked this part of the conference because it really gave me a visual of the things that were talked about.  Although it was hard to see and hear about, we also learned about some really cool things that some churches are doing to make a difference.

During the tour, we stopped and got out of the van in a wealthy neighborhood.  We were asked to take notice of our surroundings.  We each took a turn and mentioned what we noticed…large, beautiful houses with pretty landscaping.  Big trees with singing birds in them.  It smelled like recently cut grass.  It was peaceful.  We walked a block to a big stone wall that outlined one side of the neighborhood.  Even though it had an opening for the road,  it was clear that it was used to create a separate space.  On the other side of the wall was a different section of the city.   A not so wealthy part.  The smells were of exhaust from the traffic.  There weren’t any trees or singing birds.  It was noisy and dirty.  What a comparison.

The thing that struck me the most about this experience was the fact that we entered this neighborhood on a one way street.  This street took us to the stone wall.  We entered the neighborhood in a safe part of the city and it ended in a less safe part of the city.  The message was clear to the people on the other side of the wall…you aren’t welcome here.  In fact, there is only one way in and one way out and from your side of the wall you can’t come in.

Staring at that sign that day reminded me of the church and the LGBTQ community.  Many churches believe there is one way to be…and that is straight.  In some cases, all it takes it checking their website to see whether or not the LGBTQ community is welcome.  It can be tricky though because many will say that they are welcoming…and they very well may be…but when it comes right down to it they want the gay person to change.  They believe it is possible.  I’m not going to say that it’s impossible, but it’s very unlikely.  Thousands of people have tried.

Unfortunately one of the methods of this change is the “fake it to you make it” mentality.  Just date someone of the opposite sex and eventually you will begin to be attracted to them.  Now I am guessing if you are straight, thinking about being with someone of the same-sex is uncomfortable.  It may even gross you out.  It seems so unnatural.  Imagine being gay and marrying someone of the opposite sex to try to change your same-sex attractions.  They have all the same thoughts about being with someone of the opposite sex as you do of being with someone of the same-sex.  Can you imagine how damaging it is to their psyche?  Many have tried this approach out of desperation and with council from the church.  It destroys both lives.  There is more than one way to approach love…and sometimes it’s happens between people of the same-sex.

This Thanksgiving, like every Thanksgiving since beginning this journey, I saw story after story of families that were hurting.  Children not allowed to come home for the family gathering if they brought their partner.  Grandparents refusing to accept their grandchildren.  People in the LGBTQ community with no place to go.  All because people think there is only one way to handle disagreement.  Only one way to interpret the Bible.

One of the other topics of the conference that I attended was acceptance of the LGBTQ community in the church.  This particular denomination had voted a year or two ago to allow LGBTQ pastors and same-sex marriage.  The congregations that have accepted this have grown tremendously.  There are some that are opposed to it and are not as accepting of this new “normal” for their denomination.

In Andrew Marin’s book “Us Versus Us“, he reports his findings on some research he did regarding the LGBTQ community.  He found that 86 percent of LGBTQ people spent their childhood in the church.  More than half of them have left..but his research showed that three out of four would be happy to come back.

Three out of four. 

Church there are a lot of people out there longing for a community of believers to belong to…but not at the expense of not being who God created them to be.  Do we want to be a group of God’s people who build one way roads and stone walls?  Do we want to be a group of people who believe there is one way to deal with someone different than ourselves?  Are we going to continue to make the LGBTQ community feel left out?  Discarded?  Unworthy of God’s love?

If we are going to be a “one way” community, then for me that way is love.

Because love matters…

 

Boo boo bunnies…

/ Lesa / 5 Comments

When my kids were little, there were three types of injuries that occurred.  The first being the I’m not really hurt, but I’m mad because I fell down or tripped.  There would be tears, but no real injuries.  In these cases, I would “spank” the offender (usually the sidewalk).  Yes I looked like a crazy woman yelling at the sidewalk and giving it a swift stomp, but I would do anything for my kids…even if it meant looking like a raving lunatic (smile).  These shenanigans would usually get a giggle and the crying would stop.  The second kind was a little bit more serious.  They would fall and skin their knee a bit, but a quick kiss on the boo boo would fix things and they would be off playing again.  The third kind was the most serious…a fall that would produce crocodile sized tears and ice would be needed to prevent swelling.  These desperate times called for…the boo boo bunny.  A terry cloth bunny that held ice to make fixing the boo boo a little less traumatic.  It was cute, it was soft, and it wasn’t quite as cold as putting ice directly on the boo boo.  The bunny gave them something to focus on and before you knew it they were off playing again.

I recently saw a post from an affirming pastor (Stan Mitchell) on Facebook.  It was a request for prayers for a gay 17-year-old boy who messaged him asking if he could talk to him sometime.  He had come out to his parents and they took him to his youth pastor and the pastor of their church and things went horribly wrong.  He told the pastor that he messaged that he didn’t think he “can make it much longer.”  Thankfully the next day Stan shared on Facebook that the response he got from his original post was “an avalanche of love.”  The teen read every post and so did his parents.  They want to speak with him because as he states, “they are broken open by your love.”  Many of the posts of love were from my fellow mama bears who have gay children.  Once again we see that love matters.

This young man was hurting and his parents weren’t able to be there for him.  I see this often with kids that come from Christian families.  I’ve heard horrendous stories and most times the parents think they are doing what God would want them to do.  The consequences of their actions are often devastating.

I’ve been contacted by a lot of parents on this journey, but lately there has been a change.  Recently I’ve been contacted by several young adults whose parents can’t accept them and they are looking for help.  Their parents won’t listen to them.  So I wanted to say a few things about that tonight.

From a Christian perspective, I know it is not easy when your child comes out to you.  It can literally take your breath away like you’ve been sucker punched right in the gut.  And it can be really hard not to go into full on panic mode.  With this knowledge, you probably think your child is destined for hell.  In your mind, their very soul is at stake.  Rather than reacting I’m going to ask you to take a step back.  Breathe.  Let your child know that you love them no matter what.  That’s right…say “no matter what”.  God is not going to hate you for loving your child.

You may struggle with denial.  You may think it’s a phase.  You didn’t raise them this way…it can’t be true.  You may get angry at them.  How can they do this to you?  Are they rebelling?  What did you do to deserve this?  You may bargain with them.  You are going to want to ask them not to tell anyone…I mean after all…are they really sure?  How can they be so sure?  They haven’t even dated yet.  Maybe they just haven’t met the right person.  You may get depressed.  How did this happen?  How can you fix it?  What are people going to think?  You may feel ashamed or embarrassed.

Again…take a step back.  All of these things are about you when really this is about your child.  Telling you this information about themselves was not easy.  They may have been suffering for quite some time before coming to you.  It will be really hard for them to process your reaction so keep it to yourself…at least in the beginning.  Give yourself time to process.  If you can, find other parents of gay kids to talk things through. Read as much as you can get your hands on and talk to God.  He will give you answers.  If you really think God is big and in control, you taking some time to figure things out is ok.  If you believe in the Holy Spirit, take the time to listen.  And in the midst of this…love your child.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve told my kids it doesn’t matter how old they are…they will always be my babies.  And you know…it doesn’t matter how old your kids are…you will always be their parent.  Chances are you will still be a place they go with their hurts no matter their age.  Remember…they are still the same child with the scarred knees that you kissed when they fell down all those years ago.  You don’t want to cause scars that are the emotional kind that can take years to get better.  You don’t want them to feel like they can’t “make it much longer.”  Show them “an avalanche of love.”  It will mean the world to your child if they see you trying to understand them.

Love changes things…because it matters.

 

I don’t know where I’m going…but I sure know where I’ve been…

/ Lesa / 3 Comments

These lyrics from Whitesnake’s song “Here I Go Again” have been stuck in my head for quite some time.  It’s true…I don’t know where I’m going, but I sure know where I’ve been.  The last several weeks have made me more aware of that fact.

Trauma is a sneaky thing.  We are very aware of it while it’s happening and for some time when it’s over, but I think it throws us through a loop when it resurfaces after being stored in our bodies and our subconscious minds after many years.  This was very evident to me over the summer and it’s taken me some time to process through it.

First my son experienced it.  One day at work he received a phone call from his friend letting him know that her mother suddenly passed away.  She wasn’t sick.  It was one of those instances of having something in your body that isn’t detected until it’s too late.  Even though my son had just turned 3 when my mom passed away, his body and subconscious mind remembered it and this event brought it all back to him in a big way.  There were similarities.  My mom wasn’t sick either.  She was sitting on the floor playing with my kids and had a brain aneurysm.  She was only 50.  He of course was really sad for his friend…but he also had to process through his feelings of loss all over again.  It also scared him because I had just turned 50 and he couldn’t help but wonder if it would happen to me too.

I also had an experience this summer.  It’s really strange what can trigger a memory of trauma.  When my son got out of the hospital after being suicidal, there were a couple of things I had to do.  The first was to change the ring tone on my phone.  Because we got a lot of phone calls regarding my son before we made the decision to hospitalize him, the calls after he got home were just about throwing me into a panic attack.  Changing my ring tone sort of retrained my brain that phone calls weren’t always going to be bad.  The other thing I had to do was stop listening to music that I listened to during the 5 years that he really struggled.  It wasn’t all music, but you know how you can find a song that really speaks to you or brings you comfort during a difficult time?  Those were the songs I couldn’t listen to anymore because they brought me right back to the stress and heartache that I experienced during that time.

So what does all of that have to do with the summer?  Well I told you trauma is sneaky.  You just never know what’s going to trigger it.  And for me it was a phone call this summer.  It was an innocent enough phone call.  It wasn’t even about my son.  But there was something about it that was familiar to me and it took me back to my son’s hospitalization…like right.back.there.  And my brain didn’t stop there.  It replayed every painful conversation, every tear, every sleepless night listening to make sure my son was safe in his room at night, every morning I waited for a text message reply from him while he was at college to make sure he hadn’t taken his life, my anger at God…it just went on and on.  It was pretty brutal and it took some time to get over it.

I know so many families that have similar stories.  This is why I am so passionate about helping other parents and those who don’t have parental support.  This stuff is really hard.  It’s also why I’m passionate about things like marching in the Baltimore Pride Parade and participating in National Coming Out Day.

Last week our community college had some events for the students in what ended up being  Coming Out Week not just day.  I’m really impressed with everything they do for the LGBTQ+ community there and I’ve been honored to be a part of many of them.  Tuesday they had two viewings of the National Geographic documentary Gender Revolution.  It was great to see the amount of people who came out for the documentary…both students and faculty.  It was really well received.  I was asked to come back the following day for the event “Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are!”  It was on National Coming Out Day.  It was a fun day of crafts, documentary screenings, and resource information.

I saw some “talk” on the internet about not needing a National Coming Out Day.  The point being made was if gay people want to be treated like everyone else then why do they need a day like this.  The same kind of sentiment went around the internet during Pride month.  If the LGBTQ+ community had the same rights as everyone else and were treated like everyone else, then we wouldn’t need things like Pride month and National Coming Out Day.  When they can walk down the street hand in hand with the person they love, and not be harassed or even have cars accelerate towards them showing aggression…then we won’t need events like these.

What I wore to the college for National Coming Out Day.

National Coming Out Day shows solidarity in the community.  Coming out is stressful and knowing that you aren’t alone is empowering.  So I support this day and all the other days that show this community that they aren’t alone.  My Facebook will be filled with rainbows and memes showing that support.  And I will proudly wear my rainbow “gear” to show that I’m an ally and someone safe to come out to.  I dream of a day that these things won’t be necessary, but we have a long way to go.

 

I’ve mentioned before that I am no longer working for my church.  I left my position in June.  So…I really don’t know where I’m going…but I sure know where I’ve been.  One thing I  will continue to do is fight for this community with everything that I have until the day it is no longer needed.  No more sadness, no more fear, no more trauma.

I went to pick up some pumpkins today and the Doobie Brother’s song “Long Train Runnin'” came on the radio.  I couldn’t help but notice the line that goes like this:

Without love, where would you be right now
Without lo-o-o-ove

If you have been lucky enough to be loved for who you are, where would you be without that love.  I’m guessing your life might look a little different.

Get out there and love…because love matters…

For tomorrow is not promised…

/ Lesa / 4 Comments

I learned this important lesson at a young age…

I first learned it when heart disease took my grandfather when I was 16 years old.

I was reminded of it again when cancer took my grandmother when I was 17 years old.

Again when my uncle died of a blood clot when I was 18 years old.  And yet again when my cousin’s baby died from a rare disorder when he was just a few months old that same year.

When I was 19 years old, I was once again reminded when my great-grandmother died.

It was called to my attention again when my mom died of a brain aneurysm as she was playing with my young children when I was 28 years old.

And again as I sat in a psychiatric hospital with my son when he was 16 years old because he wanted to die.

The list goes on…

Harsh reminders that tomorrow is not promised.  I know that we’ve all had these reminders…or most of us have had at least one.  And if not, you will.  It’s a hard part of life.  And although I carry these loses with me every day, I sometimes forget the bleak reality of it all.  I get busy and I forget.  Then a tragedy hits…whether personal or global and it hits me again.  Tomorrow is not promised…

So…

Greet each day with thankfulness…
for tomorrow is not promised.

Say hello and share a smile with your neighbor…
for tomorrow is not promised.

Call a friend, eat the cake, dance in the rain…
for tomorrow is not promised.

Marvel at God’s beautiful creation…
for tomorrow is not promised.

Stop and feel the warmth of the sun on your skin…
for tomorrow is not promised.

Say “I’m sorry”…
for tomorrow is not promised.

Disagree, but do so with civility…
for tomorrow is not promised.

Fight for your rights without tearing down others…
for tomorrow is not promised.

Love your enemies…
for tomorrow is not promised.

A diagnosis, a natural disaster, an accident, a finger on the trigger of a gun…
for tomorrow is not promised.

We are all ONE in our humanity…don’t miss the beauty in that every day…
for tomorrow is not promised.

Love one another with fierce determination…
for tomorrow is not promised.

And love matters…