I went to a viewing and a funeral this week. It was for my cousins step-mother. I didn’t know her well. I went to support my uncle and cousins. Funerals are never easy, and since I’ve been to several, unfortunately, I knew what to expect. What I didn’t expect was the flood of emotions I would experience when I walked into the room. It was the same room my own mom’s funeral was in 20 years ago this year.
I’m thankful that I’m pretty good at processing information in the moment. It’s after the moment that things usually hit me. As I looked around the room, I was struck with the vivid memories that came crashing into my mind. I could actually see where people had taken seats at my mom’s viewing and funeral. It was as if my mind was stamped with an indelible ink of pictures from the past. I’m thankful for that because it was a reminder of how much she was loved. And a reminder of how much my family was loved. As I watched people interacting with each other in this room this week, I was caught off guard with what seemed like movie reels playing in my mind. I could recall with vivid details people coming up to me at my mom’s funeral…asking what had happened because she was gone so suddenly.
I feel for my uncle and cousins this coming week. This is when it gets the hardest…when everyone goes back to their own lives while yours feels like it is in shambles. I hope that they can find peace in the memories of their loved one. I pray that the fact that she lives on in their hearts will bring them comfort. It will never go away…but it does get easier.
It was still daylight when my sister and I left the funeral home. Dealing with the memories of our mom’s funeral, we felt the need to visit our old neighborhood. It was close to the funeral home so it seemed like the perfect time to do so.
My sister snapped this picture as we drove by the home we lived in together the longest. It still looks the same after all these years. You can barely see the chains hanging from the ceiling of the porch that holds a porch swing. I loved that swing. As kids, we would swing so high on that thing. I spent a lot of time on that porch. It was bittersweet seeing it again. As we drove around taking in the sights, we got to an area of the neighborhood where a lot of our friends lived. We knew that one such friend was living there again taking care of his elderly mom who doesn’t want to leave her home. We saw lights on so we decided to do a surprise visit. His face was priceless when he opened the door. We are friends on Facebook, but I haven’t seen him in person for over 25 years. We stood in his yard for about a half hour reminiscing about the “good ole’ days.” We talked about how the neighborhood has changed, but in some ways stayed the same. We talked about all the crazy things we did as kids. And for a brief moment in time, all was right in the world. I was transported to a time when everyone I loved was still a part of my physical world and it was magical.
Mother’s Day will be arriving in a few days. It’s a tough holiday for me. It’s a reminder that the person I celebrate is no longer here with me. When hard things happen in life, you turn to your mom. It’s been hard not having her here to be part of this journey. I know without a doubt that she would love and accept my son. I’m not sure how she would feel about what I’m doing with this part of my journey as she was a private person. I can only hope that she would approve and be my cheerleader like she was for so many other things for me when she walked this earth.
I would say a quick prayer asking God to PLEASE give me the power to kick that ball over everyone’s head. I so desperately wanted to shock everyone and run those bases. And each time I had hope that it would happen. I believed that one day my wish would come true. It didn’t. This bothered me so much that I actually had a dream about it. I was at home plate, everyone moved closer, the pitcher rolled the ball my way, and…wham! I did it! I kicked it over everyone’s head! I was so excited. I joyfully started to round the bases…wind blowing through my hair. I was laughing as I ran to the next base and…a bug flew in my mouth. Yuck! It was so realistic that I woke up to me sitting up…spitting the “bug” out. In reality, I just spit onto my bed. Yuck again! Apparently even in my dreams I can’t catch a break (smile).
store, a pickup truck filled with people pulled into the back of the parking lot. My boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend got out of the truck (her current boyfriend’s) and called my name. She told me that she had something for me to give to my boyfriend and was holding out her hand. I was carrying a six-pack of glass Coca Cola bottles in my one arm so I held out my free hand. When she got up to me, her hand that was once outstretched like she was carrying something turned into a balled up fist. Before I knew what was happening, she was wailing on me. I was getting punched in the head, the face, and upper body. I was trying my best to fend her off while holding the glass bottles, but as you can imagine it wasn’t easy. I had two thoughts…I didn’t want to drop the glass bottles because it would make an awful mess, and more importantly I was concerned about my contacts. I was getting hit in the eyes and I didn’t want my contacts to get damaged. I know…but if you’ve read my other posts you know how much I hated those glasses and how long I had waited for my contacts. They were really expensive back then and I knew if I lost them or they got ruined I wouldn’t be getting another pair. As these thoughts were going through my mind, I was trying to use my free arm to push her away. I eventually was able to step back enough to kick her off of me. That was enough to stop her and some words were exchanged, but that was the end of it. She basically didn’t want her ex with anyone else. My friend who was with me…she was still in the store…afraid to come out.
Love Matters 